Breaking Up

Breaking up is natural

Here’s the thing – most teenage romantic relationships are temporary – in fact, maybe that’s how it should be. Relationships are part of life. And as normal as relationships are, breakups are normal too. In many situations, breaking up can actually be better for everyone.

Consider ending a relationship if you are feeling or experiencing:

  • Lack of contact or emotional connection
  • Just want to be free and more independent
  • Keeping secrets or not being honest
  • One or both are irritable with the other
  • Arguments (nothing gets solved, feelings get hurt)
  • Feel happier when you are away from your partner

If you’re being emotionally, sexually, or physically hurt, reach out to a trusted adult for help.

People care.

How to break up in a respectful way

  • Don’t bring up your issues in front of the world (like Facebook). Online breakups may seem easier, but can actually complicate things
  • Steer clear of blame and be kind, honest and clear
  • Discuss in a safe setting where you have some privacy (unless you are fearful about their response, then break up in a public setting)
  • Stay open and ask yourself what you can learn from the experience
  • If your partner can’t seem to be respectful, it’s ok to end the conversation – and the relationship – without further discussion
  • Allow time and space to heal – avoid making excuses to contact them
  • Don’t spread rumors out of spite (or at all)
  • It’s okay to cry – just don’t let the blues keep you from normal activities

Where to get help

If someone is in immediate danger, call 911.

If you or a friend might be in an abusive relationship, talk to a parent/caregiver, a school counselor, or another adult you trust, or a local domestic or sexual violence program.

Hotline Numbers

National Dating Abuse Helpline 1-866-331-9474 or
www.loveisrespect.org to chat online

National Suicide Hotline 1-800-273-TALK (8255)

National Sexual Assault Hotline 1-833-656-HOPE (4673) or
www.rainn.org to chat online

Helping a friend through a breakup

  • Offer listening and support, and focus mostly on the upside. No unwanted advice or “I told you so’s”
  • Avoid trash talking – it may come back to bite you
  • Give what you can, but take care of yourself
  • Encourage them to stick with things they like or try new things
  • Talk to a trusted adult if your friend seems upset for more than a few days

If your friend seems really down, or suicidal, get help immediately

The Breakup Quiz (When to Bail)

  1. I am annoyed by many things about my partner.
    Strongly Agree
    Agree
    Neither
    Disagree
    Strongly Disagree
  2. We always seem to have drama between us.
    Strongly Agree
    Agree
    Neither
    Disagree
    Strongly Disagree
  3. My partner is always putting me down.
    Strongly Agree
    Agree
    Neither
    Disagree
    Strongly Disagree
  4. I am disappointed in this relationship.
    Strongly Agree
    Agree
    Neither
    Disagree
    Strongly Disagree
  5. We do not laugh together anymore.
    Strongly Agree
    Agree
    Neither
    Disagree
    Strongly Disagree
  6. I avoid my partner at times.
    Strongly Agree
    Agree
    Neither
    Disagree
    Strongly Disagree

Total Strongly Agree or Disagree:

1-2 Strongly Agree or Agree – Consider breaking up – especially if you’re feeling put down or you’re doing this to your partner.

3 or more Strongly Agree or Agree – Hmm, sounds like it’s time to break up. You deserve a relationship based on trust, respect and compassion. Not sure? Take some time to talk to an adult or someone close to you that you trust more about it.

Quiz adapted from John Gottman, PhD

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